becky_lynn_22's Xanga

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 19:15:20 GMT

It's 7/7/2007. I thought I would update my xanga seeing as how I never get around to it. I'm at camp right now, for my last week. It's shooting ed camp and they leave on Friday. I should be leaving shortly thereafter. Upon which time, I will be looking for another job to be working during school. Some of the big events going on in my life... I just returned home from Gulfport, Mississippi to see Keith. He is stationed there for AIT for the National Guard. He's been gone for 3 weeks and he has 4 weeks left. I certainly hope that the last four weeks go by faster than the first three. I miss him so very much. I went with his parents and sister to see him. They really are great to me. While we were on base, they left so we could have some alone time and talk. When he gets home, I doubt they'll be able to separate us, even to sleep. I've got an entire evening planned out for us whenever he can escape to Rio. I really do wish that I could express how much I truly love him. We've been together for a little under 3 months and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. He is everything I've ever wanted and everything I could ever need. He's the one I plan to marry someday, with no doubt in my mind.

My uncle just returned home from a 6 week stay in the hospital with two brain tumors. He got to come home yesterday. In as much good news as that is, on Wednesday night, his brother passed away. Talk about something to come home to. Instead of going home for the viewing and what-not, I will be going home next weekend. Anyways, that's really it for right now. So, until next time...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 02:21:24 GMT

Hello everyone out there. I just thought I would put a new little post in my xanga since I haven't for over a month. It's June 22nd and I'm at Canter's Cave 4-H Camp. Right now we have a Special Needs Camp in and they are awesome. They are probably the sweetest kids in the world. Right now we're in the A Frame and it's relaxing. I'd like to say that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world who is currently in Mississippi at AIT for the National Guard. I'm so proud of him and he is one of my heroes. We've been official for 2 months and one day. He's the best thing that's happened to me lately. I can't imagine my life without him right now. He came into my life at the most unexpected moment and it was perfect. I'm so proud of him for doing the national guard thing. He has to be away from home for like 8 weeks and restricted phone and stuff. And did I mention that he's 1,000 miles away from home. It's so hard for me not to see him every day and be with him at night, to not be able to touch him. I love him more than anything in the world. I just thought I would profess my love across the internet that I love Keith with all my heart and I'll be here for him forever. I LOVE YOU KEITH!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:44:06 GMT

Just a short quick update. Things are running fairly smoothly. The semester is coming to a close and I think things are wrapping up well. I'm pretty much failing most of my classes because after the whole Mary thing only two out of 7 professors even thought that I could bring my grades up enough anyways. So I'm not too worried about it. I'll be a senior and I only have like $7,000 of debt right now, which I think is VERY good. MayDay went well with a few awesome alumni attending one afternoon and the little brothers spending the night. I spent my first weekend of work at camp this past Friday night. It was a lot of fun, but very stressful...

On a much lighter and happier note, I met and am currently dating an amazing guy named Keith. He is 19 years old and a sophomore majoring in Business Management but possibly changing to Plant Maintenence. He's also in the Army National Guard and leaving for AIT this summer. I'll be at Canter's Cave so maybe it won't be so bad. Although I do plan on taking off the weekend of his graduation, sometime in July. He'll be in either Mississippi or Missouri. It's going to be a long summer because we've just gotten together, but hopefully everything will work out okay. I really do like him and I really want to make this work. **Crossed fingers***

TTFN

What sisterhood means to me...

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 01:50:31 GMT

What sisterhood means to me...

Sisterhood is an array of feelings, emotions, and connections.
It can't be described one certain way or by one word.
Sisterhood is challenging each other to be better.
It's making each other a stronger, better person.
Sisterhood challenges your beliefs, your morals, your dependence.
It makes you re-think where you're going in life and how you're getting there.

Sisters may not always agree.
In fact, they may fight all the time.
Sisters might say hurtful things.
They might scare you.
But in the end there's something real.
In a world where everything is superficial and material,
You have something real if you have a true sister.

You have a friend.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 19:56:27 GMT

It's been a while since I updated... Not too much has happened. I'm pretty much content with the way things are right now. I can't help but sit back and admire people. I can't help but to smile when people think that their problems consume the world. Granted, I have problems, but I know they are minuscule. I don't really get mad anymore, because what's the point? Sure, people piss me off, but that's life. I'm done worrying about everything... What people think of me, who's mad at me, what if---, I'm done. Like a good friend told me, worrying is like rocking. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. I'm finished with trying not to piss anyone off because, well I will and that's a simple fact. Not that I try to piss people off, but just sometimes differences will piss people off. I have different morals than other people and that's fine with me. Quite honestly, I don't care if you don't like me. I smile at people who are jealous of me, because I personally don't think they have anything to be jealous of. Perhaps the abundance of great friends and the support system I have, but seriously, you think I just lucked into all that? Yeah right. People might not see it, but I work for everything I have. Sure, I have a scholarship, but I worked my ass off for that in high school. I have a nice apartment, which I work my ass off to keep paying rent. I have an awesome summer job which I had to apply for and go through interviews for. And I have amazing friends that I would do almost anything for. But if I treated them like I see some people treating their "friends" I would be all by myself. I have an amazing family, some of whom aren't even blood. I've been at Rio now for going on 4 years and I have made a family. Some are not so close and some I live with. Some are complete assholes sometimes and I fight with non-stop like brother and sister. But needless to say, I've found what I need. I've become for the better part, drama-free. I've found my morals and realized what I need to do to get where I'm going... So if you don't like me or you're mad at me, deal. Because I'm not. That's it. I'm good. Of course I still have some problems. But I'm dealing.

Right now...

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 03:44:02 GMT

So it's 12:35 on a Saturday morning/Friday night and I decided to come home. It just hasn't been my night. I'm kinda pissed because I can't find my ID. I know it sounds really stupid, but it's just like the crack that finally made me break. I was doing good until someone wanted to get beer and I said I had to grab my ID. Well it wasn't where I thought it was. In fact, it hasn't been anywhere I thought it might be. And it just hit me. So I took Tiff's car back to her and then I told them I was walking back. I think Billy knew something was wrong, but I told him I was fine. I get a little ways away and Matt and Jay and some of the guys drive up and offer me a ride. Of course by then I was crying and it was semi-noticable. Jay noticed and said he would walk back with me. So I gave my recent life story and he listened and basically said it would be okay. So I guess that was nice. It's always nice to talk to Jay. He always seems to know what to say and when. Anyways.... I just don't know how to deal with everything. I mean I miss Mary every single day and I wish I could say that it doesn't effect me like it did, but it still does. I wish I could be like everyone else and just go on like nothing has ever happened, but stupid little things, like my ID, just send me over the edge. I feel like the world hates me and is picking on me. Anyways, that's where I'm at right now...

What the hell am I doing?

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 18:09:08 GMT

So I'm actually getting two in one month. Anyways, things are going I guess. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life... I'm completely broke, in debt to be exact. I owe so many people so much money. I don't know what to do. So I think I owe my own checking account more than anyone. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to end up moving back home next semester and commuting. I just don't see any other way to make ends meet. I'm not thrilled with the idea of driving every day, but I really see no other options. Anyways, this xanga post is really a coy to put off doing a shit ton of work that I need to be doing so I guess I'm going to be getting on that...

Fuck it all...

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 02:18:10 GMT

I know what you're thinking... It hasn't even been a month and here I am reposting again. Well I think maybe this is something I need to be doing more often. I rarely get to really vent anymore and I think I need to. I am at my parent's house for the end of Spring Break. It's been a good one so far. I went to the beach with Mootzie, Sarah, Jen, and Lonnie. It was fun. I think I gave myself a concussion, but we'll leave the stories at that. I really haven't felt well since last week. At first I thought I had a kidney infection, which it could have been. But now it hurts to breath, especially when I'm laying down. Which I know isn't a good thing. I need to go to the doctor if it doesn't go away. Life is at a pretty much all time low right now. It's not that things aren't going for me... well... okay, they're not really... But it's more that I just don't really care about anything. I don't care about money, I don't care about who likes me or who's mad at me, etc. I just really don't care about it. I'm pretty much broke. Okay actually I'm in debt. I'm seriously considering moving back home which is something I truly and honestly NEVER thought that I would do. Like the biggest perk (besides the whole money thing) is that I can be active on the Fire Department again. And I mean I know it doesn't sound like much, but it really is a big thing to me. I don't know what I'm doing though.... I really don't. Anyways, the whole thing with Mary seems to have floated past everyone. And it has seemingly just stopped right over my head. I don't know. It's just like I mean yea, everyone has lost someone close to them (or so it seems.) Like my dad was talking about how he lost his mom and one of the guys that helped to raise him. And I understand that's hard too, but they were older than he was, they were supposed to die before him. But when someone is 5 days younger than you... It just doesn't make sense and I don't think it ever will. I mean it's been like a month and everyone just supposes that I should be fine and moving on. I mean I am moving on, just in my own sweet time. So what if I've fucked this semester up, I really don't give a fuck. If I lose my scholarship, so be it. I'll have to pay for like 2 years of college to get a 4 year degree (that will take me 5 years.) Wahoo. Maybe you noticed, I really don't care right now. Sorry... Maybe that's the completely wrong mentality to have, but fuck it, I don't care. And if that's wrong... you guessed it...

February... :(

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:39:07 GMT

So once again it's been like a month since I've posted on here and a lot has happened in the past 30 days. I guess overall you could say February has been a horrible month. It started at the end of January when our pipes froze up and we didn't have water. They burst a few days later in Adam's basement. That pretty much set the stage for February. On the 31st of January at about 1 A.M., I got a phone call from my little/big brother Billy. I found this insanely odd that he would call me in the middle of the night on a school night. He told me that they were on their way to Huntington, because Mary had been taken to the hospital. She had collapsed at the apartment from what was seemingly an asthma attack. They rushed her to Holzer and then they flew her to St. Mary's in Huntington. Seeing as how my truck (still) had a flat tire, I told him I would be there as soon as I could find a way. So I woke Gretchen up and told her what was going on. I wasn't about to drive an hour by myself to someplace that I'd never been so I got online and Thomas was online so he rode with me. We got to the hospital at around 3:30. They told us that they had her on a ventilator. When she passed out, her right lung had collapsed and she had double pneumonia. When she passed out, she started aspirating from the lack of oxygen and had swallowed some of the vomit. This had caused pneumonia in the top of both her lungs as well as having previously had it in the bottom the right one. I'm not sure, but I think at this point, although they had her sedated, she was still functional. So I stayed there until around 6:30 that morning and came back home to go to class and give Gretchen her car back. I went to class and slept for about an hour or so. After work, the girls all went down along with Kim and Julie too. They said that her vitals were getting better and things were looking up. They have this 24 hour thing (which I think is bullshit) that if they make it the 24 hours, things are usually okay. Well that night when everyone was getting ready to leave, I asked Billy (her boyfriend) if he wanted me to stay with him and he did, so I stayed. The night was insanely long because we had no where to sleep, the tv had to stay on and there were people in there talking and stuff. So I think I slept like 2 maybe 3 hours that night. The next day was even longer. I think this was Thursday. Some of Billy's fraternity brothers came down to help occupy the time. It helped. I think all the girls had come down to visit by then. At one point on Thursday, something happened. We still don't know what it was, but she flatlined for a flash and they revived her. She was on life support but they thought that she should recover. I stayed throughout the day (despite the fact that I hadn't showered or changed clothes. They guys took turns staying, they would stay for like 7 or 8 hours and then a new group would come. We slept on couches and chairs in the waiting room. I think I got a good three maybe four hours of sleep that night. And then people started coming into the hospital and I woke up. I should add to this... This whole time, she was in a "room" in the recovery unit for two reasons. There was a one-on-one nurse in that unit and there were no rooms in ICU. The recovery waiting room is located RIGHT inside the main doors to the hospital. I had to have looked like hell by this point. I was pale and my face blotchy from crying, huge circles under my eyes and nearly passing out everytime I stood up. Sam, one of the TKEs talked to one of the nurses and had them arrange to get one of the chairs from the ICU sleep room for us. I only slept for maybe 1/2 hour but it felt like I had slept for days. Mind you I did NOT want to sleep. I was afraid if I fell asleep, that there was a good chance it would be days before I woke up, but I didn't really have much of a choice. It's now Friday. The doctors told us things weren't looking so well. I called Sarah to come pick me up so I could get clean clothes and some things that Billy had wanted. I think it took us an hour and a half to get to Rio and back to Huntington. When I got back, they had begun running tests to see how functional her brain was. Due to the loss of oxygen to her brain, there was absolutely going to be brain damage. At this point, it was how much. They did one test to see and there was nothing. No movement, no function at all. I thought that was the worst news I had heard in my entire life. I immediately called my sisters and told them to stop everything they were doing and get there asap. I also called Billy's brothers and told them to come soon. Before any of them could get there, the doctors had run another test to see if there was even blood flowing to the brain. It was no longer when she would be okay, but instead it was an IF she was alive. There was nothing. No blood, no function, nothing. Nothing. NOTHING. Slowly everyone started showing up and just kind of staring off. I would be okay for a short period of time and then just like a wave hit me and I was a mess. At one point, there were actually so many people there that they gave us a waiting room to stay in. I had walked in and just completely lost it. I just sat on the floor and cried. I know everyone says that crying doesn't do any good, and it's true, but sometimes there really is nothing else to do. I got to see her once when she was in the recovery room (as well as once when we were in the trauma unit.) They finally moved her into an ICU room and said that anyone could go visit. At this point, her family had to decide when they wanted to turn off the machines and what to do with the organs (i.e. donate them.) We were in the ICU sleep room for hours. They told us we could go see her. I kind of had an idea of what things were like because I'd seen her a few times, hooked up to the machines, tubes, etc. But the other girls hadn't. I tried to prepare them for what it was like, but you really can't prepare someone for something like that. We went back in groups of three. There was me and I'd take two of the girls back. It was Sarah and Jenn first. Then Gretchen and someone else. Then Julie and Kim. I think it just kind of hit Julie. I felt like I had to pry her away. And Bethany was last. I didn't cry until then because that was the last time I would see her "alive." We got back to the waiting room and just sat there and talked and laughed because Billy said he needed some normalcy. They finally kicked us out of the sleep room so they could get things ready for the people staying. So we moved back downstairs and just waited. Around 10:30 they told us that we could go. The family had made all their decisions and they were going to let her go at 11:00. We were all standing in the waiting room. All of my girls had already left because they just couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't leave. I don't think I've ever felt a pain like that. I told Jay as we were standing there and I was crying, that I felt like I couldn't leave. I felt like the worst person in the world for leaving that hospital that night. I felt like I was betraying my best friend. She never liked going anywhere alone and I felt so horrible that I couldn't go with her. Needless to say, they pretty much dragged us from the lobby to the parking garage. In the car, it was Billy, Sam, Cassie, and I in Sam's car. I could feel my heart stretching from those doors all the way back to Rio. In the car, we came to the quick realization that although I had changed clothes and he had showered, we smelled REALLY REALLY bad. It was humor at just the right moment. The guys stopped and got some pizzas and pop. I stayed at Billy's that night on an air mattress in the bedroom along with Burwinkel on an air mattress in the living room. The next few days are kind of a blur. We had come home Friday night. Saturday was spent just sitting around staring off and drinking beer. The same for Sunday. Deb told Gretchen and I not to worry about working that night. That Monday, we got news that the viewing was to be on Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday. I dreaded that Thursday. We had shirts made in black and pink. With our letters on the front and "In loving memory of our sister Mary Brown" on the back. I stayed at Billy's for the next few days. On that Wednesday, the viewing was from 2-8. I rode with Sam and Cassie. We stayed for about 2 hours and then went to Pizza Hut. Between Sam and I, we drank a giant pitcher of beer with TINY cups. Then we went back to the church (it was held at a church because the funeral home wouldn't have been big enough. The viewing was for her as well as her cousin Michael.) I stayed the whole time, crying on and off. We gave Mary's mom one of our shirts with letters on it. On the way home, we stopped at the truck stop for some good food. That night, alcohol was a great comfort. As well as the wonderful surprise of my Jen. She had drove up that day despite the snow and everything to be with us. The following morning, we woke up and got ready. We were meeting at the food court at I think 10 maybe. I rode to the funeral (which was also at the church) with Burwinkel, Katie, and Billy. At the viewing, Mary's mom had asked one of us to speak at the funeral. I told the girls that I wanted to do it if they would write it. So when the time came, all of us were sitting 3 rows back taking up like 2 or 3 rows. They told me that I had to go sit up front (looking into the crowd) for the duration. Jana went with me in case I couldn't get through it. It was so hard to sit up there and look into those people sitting there. I cried more then than I think I did since the hospital. I hurt all over. When it was my turn to talk, I got through it all the way and got back to my seat. Everyone said I did really well, but I didn't want to be doing it at all. I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. I stood in the lobby waiting for the pall bearers to carry her out. There were so many people there. The ZOX, some of the KOX, Delta Thetas, TKEs, Stewy, everyone. Everyone was so supportive. She always said that was like one of her biggest fears was no one coming to her funeral. Anyways, they brought her out and we started in the procession. It was from Jackson all the way to Oak Hill. I was so tired that I fell asleep for a little bit. When we got there, it was snowy, but so pretty. We walked down and heard the "ashes to ashes" thing. Then we all payed our last respects. The TKEs all gave a red carnation (their flower) and we gave all pink roses, except for one. One yellow rose. In our sorority, the receiving of a yellow rose signifies that the sister has become an alumni. I have so many pictures in my head of so many different things. Everything from the moment I got that phone call, the way she looked the first time, second time, and so on that I saw her, sitting in the waiting room with Billy after we had just got the worst news, staring out the window wishing someone would come so I could let loose and cry, to the way she looked in the casket with her letters on and her chapstick with her paddle. But especially that pile of flowers. Red carnations on bottom with pink roses on top and that one yellow rose. I can still see the snow, how it looked so perfect and untrodden. It's crazy how things are burnt into your head. So it was all over and we made it back to Rio. Since then, I've been scared to even sleep in my own bed. The last time I was there was when he called that night. I don't WANT to stay at home because I don't want to be alone. I realize at some point I will have to, but not right now. I've never really liked being home alone in the first place. Anyways, since then, I missed about three weeks of class total. The week she was in the hospital and the following week. Some classes I just can't make myself go to. I just really don't care about school anymore which is a really bad thing. But I think I'm starting to get back into things. But since that day, one of the TKE pledges' uncle passed away, one of their dads' is in the hospital, one of my close friends' grandfather's passed away. February has just been a bad month all around. We finally started pledging a week late, I've been going home a little more... I had a really good night last night. It was the first night that I hadn't stayed at Billy's but had been in Rio. Granted, I wasn't alone or anything, but still. I somehow managed to fall down two different sets of stairs on two different occasions. Once knocking myself out for a minute and the other I fell down like 3 concrete stairs. I'm a little sore none-the-less. But I think part of me is still waiting to just wake up that Wednesday morning and call Mary and be like "I had the craziest (longest) dream ever!" But I know that won't happen. I honestly don't think it's completely set in yet. I mean sometimes I'll cry, but I haven't grasped it yet. It's so hard to be around my sisters because I feel like someone's missing. I still sometimes out of habit dial 6 on my speed dial and then hang up when I realize she isn't going to answer. It's been rough. And now there's so much drama going on. I feel like it isn't fair because the whole world is moving on but I'm stuck. People are complaining about stupid shit, ratting each other out, getting pissed at me, putting me in the middle of things when I'm barely dealing with things the way it is. I can honestly for once say that although I'm pissed at so many people, I could never wish this on anyone. I would never wish for someone else to be in my shoes and have to live the life I'm living right now. Despite the drama and the bullshit. Sure I wish that they would take a step back and try to walk in my shoes, but I could never wish this on them. So basically, that's been my month in review.

Ramblings...

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 18:54:30 GMT

So it's been nearly a month since I've posted in here. Mary informed me that I'm like the only person left on xanga, which I kind of like. It just means that all of the world won't read everything I'm writing. So yea. Things in Rio have been so-so. It's Open Rush week for the Greeks, which is exciting. It's always exciting to see who actually ends up pledging and who backs down or changes their mind last minute. But I guess whatever works for them. Gretchen's beginning to get all moved in. It's actually becoming a house again, instead of just walls. I'm going home this weekend (tomorrow actually... THANK GOD) and I'm going to try to bring some stuff back. Like a kitchen table and chairs, end tables, coffee tables, etc. I'm really excited to get to go home because I haven't been there for like a month or more. It's quite strange actually. To begin with, you don't want to go home, you don't want to be in that place that you've hated for so long. And then when you're actually gone, left out in the cold, hungry, you want to go back. While being here, even though Rio is only mildly larger than Chester, it's just the same. The same gossip and rumor mill, maybe even more exaggerated. We have the same drama as high school, etc. Sometimes I wish we could have the large university culture with the small college setting. But I can see that will never happen. Although I did meet a guy who was new to Rio this semester, it turned out as it usually does. He couldn't let go of my past and when perhaps he did, he was standing right atop my independence that it took so long for me to build. Granted, I'm a stubborn, independent, do-it-my-way female, it would still be nice to find a guy out there who can let me be who I am and still be a part of my life. I need someone who can let me be an independent person and still be a part of his life. Sure, sometimes it's nice to have doors opened for you and your plates cleared away for you, but not all the time. Because I CAN do things like that, sometimes I want to. Maybe it's the fact that I can still remember my Grandma before she died and she hated when we would take something away from her. Whether it was driving, doing her bills, cooking on the gas stove, etc. She was so independent and hated having those luxuries taken away, I just can't let someone take them from me yet. So anyways, that is over I guess. I told him that we just didn't have the same needs, which is okay. Because I'm sure there is some girl out there who would slap me for letting a guy like that go, but I just can't sacrifice the things that I want/need. So off that subject, school's going fairly well. I like my classes this semester. I have a lot of reading to do. I have to read Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens, as well as another 19th Century British Literature book---which will probably be Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice. Then I have to read a book about Sociology. Papers papers papers. Exciting! Yea, right. Anyways, that's life. School, work, sorority. That's how it goes. I know in all reality I don't have time for a relationship right now. It wouldn't be fair to the guy or to myself really. I don't have time to spend spilling our deepest darkest thoughts until 2 a.m. and then whisk the night away laying beneath the stars. I don't have time for romance right now. I have decided that perhaps I need a distance relationship. People say that they don't work, but it would work great right now! :D But oh well. I guess when I find the right person, it won't be too hard to make time for him. And I won't complain about doing it either... Anyways, life goes on, for now at least... So to all of you out there who still read xangas..... TAKE CARE